Friday, November 6, 2009


I will feel like writing again
I will be able to put into words all that I am feeling
I will know what is appropriate, and whether or not I should care
I will stop aching so deeply
I will stop being so furious
I will feel the way I have been talking and acting--full of forgiveness and hope
I will see the top of a mountain and not just the bottom of a deep valley

But that day is not today.


My kids cried, again, as they tried to express their pain that is so huge with little kid vocabularies
I cried, as my family faced yet another loss--one I cannot even begin to say here
I should have rejoiced that there are offers on our house, but I didn't
Felt all wrong, as I neatly put away our things, in someone else's house
I am tired. So very, very tired
I rejoiced that we are out of there now, instead of going through this another year down the road
I wondered if I should even try to write. I probably shouldn't have


We live in limbo--going back for soccer and MMA, to a place that is not home
We put our best smiles on, trying to make life as normal as possible for our kids
We fear that it might be the day we open the floodgates of emotion that we have been holding at bay
We hear the results of an open house

Right now....

I wish no one would ever ask me again if I am okay, or how I am
I wish I understood why people who said they were my friend left at the first sign of hardship
I am trying not to relive some pretty horrible moments
I hurt, not just for me but for so many others
I am disgusted with the quantity of crap we own--I want to sell it all and move far away
I know that my pain is less than that of others, and yet it is mine

If you...

Know me, you know that we will be okay
Don't like what you just read, stop
Are one of the many who have been a rock for us, thank you

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