Friday, October 23, 2009

Stream of Conciousness

Another week down. I don't want watch time tick by, and I am not, but I am counting life in weeks right now.

Some song lyrics have been kicking around in my head this week.

I don't want to go through the motions,
I don't want to spend one more day,
Without your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't want to spend my whole life asking:
What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?

There is temptation for me to take a break from the pursuit of holiness, but I believe that would be the worst mistake I could make. Instead, I am striving (not achieving) to tell God daily: Here I am. Do what you will.

The hardest part is that He might not move us for a long time. We might spend months and months wondering what the next step is, unsure of what to do. So, I am clinging to what I do know--Love, Serve, Care, Work, Rest, Play, Pray, Help, Ask, Be Willing.

I want to tell you
I keep on praying
His love will find you where you are.

I know, cuz I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths:

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're going to do great things
I already know that
God's got His hand on you
So don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget
But don't forget why we're here
Take your time and pray
Yeah these are the words I would say

From one simple life to another
I will say
Come find peace in the Father

I miss the youth group students. I had to erase "my students" as I wrote that because I still think of them that way. I don't want to be a stumbling block to them, I don't want them to live with any anger or  bitterness, so I have to release them and encourage them to move forward, embrace whoever comes in.

But I do wish I had one last time with them. I don't have regrets, but I didn't get to say goodbye. I talk to some of them and text and see them, but I miss the fellowship we had as a tight group.

Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of Hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms

'Cause Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

The creativity of the lyrics makes the deep meaning elusive.

So often we start down a path, committed and sure, full of fresh hope and energy, ready to face any foe head on.

But how many endeavors end with the same commitment and passion with which they began? Not many.

I want to have a beautiful ending. Primarily this speaks to my walk with the Lord--when I came to know Jesus and grew in knowledge and grace, I was full of zeal.  I literally was ready to go to the ends of the Earth for Him, and spent all my time, money and energy pursing His purposes. Sometimes now I feel full of work. Or full of discipline, which is good, but it's not zeal.

His Love is truly beautiful, and so I desire that my life spent in His love will also be beautiful, all the way to the end.

Marriage, parenting, friendship, family...all those areas are worthy of a beautiful ending. When I look back on my life I want to say that I kept the strong love, fun, and joy in my marriage we began with, that I parented all my kids all the way through--even as they were adults and asked for guidance and love.

I just graded 400 essays in 3 weeks. I have less than a week "off" and then the next set comes.
I also spent 7 hours with 2 high school freshman--teaching them algebra and doing a writing workshop for them. I honestly love it, but it's exhausting.


We are about a week behind in homeschooling. On one hand I am amazed we are not further behind. On the other hand I am horrified!


Our next big project is a ton of little projects--basically to prepare the house to put it on the market. No plans, not yet, but we feel like we need to be ready to do that at any time.


Mckenna got in trouble for disrespect tonight and had to clean the bathroom before she could join everyone for a movie. She got it done really quickly--and it was pretty good. Hurts her in the long run, now I know how fast she can work! :o)


Mom and Dad are coming tomorrow to visit. We like that. Goodnight.

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