Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Like many emails, I have started, erased, and restarted this post several times.

How do I put into words what is going on in my mind and my heart when I don't really know myself?

It's not day by day right now, but minute by minute.

I am minute by minute making the choice to not curl up in bed for the next 2 weeks.

I am minute by minute choosing to breathe.

I am minute by minute choosing to forgive, move forward, and heal.

Not every minute do I make the right choice. I wish I could decide once and for all that I am done crying, done being angry, done hurting. It's not possible, and that's okay.

I am sure that in the next few weeks it will become hour by hour and then day by day; but not right now.

I love this blog and the fact that it's my voice, my expression. But many of you who read attend MD, and I promised you I would not speak un-edifying words.

So today, I can't even write all that is on my heart. My emotional state is not good. Can you tell?

Let me say something very clearly: God is still God, He is still my God, He is still good. He allows those who love him to go through very hard times, and He promises that as we go through them and we choose to see the joy in the hardship, we will grow through the process. I know that to be true. I am not doubting God in any of this. The God of the Bible is who He says He is, today and forever.

Also, I have not lost all faith in the church as a whole. We are imperfect, sinful people, so we make mistakes. No church will every be perfect this side of heaven because it is run by imperfect people. I believe in the importance of the church.

But, I am reminded that we are the church. The places designated as churches are only buildings, nothing more. The people are the church. In that way, this church has been such a blessing, because people have come to love and support us. People have cared for us the way God asks them to.

I cannot express how difficult it is to have the same conversations over and over this past week. Over, and over, and over, and over. Each time it hurts again. Each time I feel my blood pressure rising. Each time I cry with someone else, all over again.

And I am tired. Exhausted. Frustrated.

I value every single relationship we have here. And therefore, I choose to have the conversation again and again. Each person matters to me, each person deserves some kind of conversation with me.

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