Grief

Grief.

If it wasn't personal, grief would be a fascinating study for me.

When we told the kids they had to say good-bye to Rocky, each one reacted very differently.

Mckenna screamed, over and over, "No! This can't be it! No, not Rocky!" Each cry pierced our hearts.

Gabriel made vows: "I will write his name in every book. I will make sculptures and pictures of him."

Juliana mourned quietly, saying over and over, "This is so hard. It's hard to understand." She slept with pictures of him for days, tears slipping quietly from her eyes.

Daniel and I went through each of those emotions, though not at the same time.

Sometimes I wanted to reverse time, start all over, have him again; I mourned in disbelief that this could be the end. I would have done most anything to hold him once more.

Sometimes I wanted to keep on being miserable, fearing that if I stopped crying it would be like forgetting him, or letting him slip away.

And then it just hurt, a deep hurt that left me crying myself to sleep and waking up already sobbing. I have not experienced that before, and it just hurts.

Our previously planned trip to Disneyland for 2.5 days went a long way in our healing. Only I cried while we were there, knowing what was to come when we got home. And sure enough, walking into an empty house put Dan, Juliana and me over the edge again, and we all mourned fresh that night.

So Friday, we did what anyone would do (maybe?). We got a puppy.
And Monday we hope to get another one.

Katana, 7 months

And our sweet new girl, Katana, has somehow squirmed, kissed, and wiggled her way into the hole left in my heart.

But I still miss my Rocky. And it requires effort to choose to move forward and not want to stay in the past.

Rocky, 10 years

And while he was a part of our family for 12 wonderful years, and saying good-bye was so very hard, he was only a dog.

Tonight I know loved ones mourning sick children, lost jobs, failing marriages, and other life altering trials.

So tonight I pray for my loved ones who are grieving. And I realize that my dear Rocky has once again taught me a lesson that will help me to help others, and I remain forever thankful.