Friday, December 4, 2009

Thoughts at 1:15 am

Why am I awake?

Oh yeah, grading essays, making a schedule, looking at housing options, can't turn off my brain.

At MMA today Gabe learned the "Typewriter" or the "Ground and Pound." If you don't know what that is, don't look it up; ignorance is bliss this time. I find myself on one hand wanting to video tape one of Gabe's MMA classes and begging someone to take him on as a student when we move (most MMA studios are adults only). On the other hand, we watched a televised fight a few weeks ago, and I never, ever want to see my son in that ring cage. Ever.

Juliana has been very adorable lately. Even more so than normal. She says funny things, and does funny things. She's putting a lot together too. Tonight she wanted to be by my side all night. Literally. Anywhere I went she followed and stood next to me, imitating how I was standing.

Mckenna is so grown up. She talks grown up, acts grown up (most of the time) and is very capable. She and I made curtains for her cat's bed/play thing. Pictures coming soon. She used a hot glue gun, and grew agitated when I did things she can do. It's a habit I am working on breaking.

I told the school I grade for that we are probably moving. They are fine with that...they will just ship the essays. I don't think I could quit that job if I tried. Good thing I don't want to.

I get to see Juli J tomorrow. Sigh. I miss her.

If life goes according to our plans (and let's face it, life rarely does but this time it just might), our house will close escrow before Christmas, we could put an offer on a house next week, and we could move in 1 month. That. Is. Insane. And so exciting.

I really, really, really, really miss our students from Riverside. Lots and lots and lots. The hardest part is that I don't have time to text and email and call them nearly as much as I want to. It hurts. One young man got baptized. We missed it. That stuff is just hard, still dealing with that.

Sometimes hope is harder than despair. If you never hope, you never experience the crash of dreams that don't come true. We are in a hoping phase. We have put all our eggs in one basket--we are only pursing Chico and have said no to everywhere else. That's scary, and hopeful. Next Thursday we go back, and it can't come soon enough. I am a masterful optimist. That gets me into trouble, because the good I can see is not always reality.

Want to hear my list of questions that have no answers?

Assuming we go to Chico:
Where are we going to live?
Rent or buy?
What neighborhood?
How much money should we spend?
What should we do school wise?
Continue homeschool, move to the neighborhood with the best public school?
Try to get them into this great charter school that has limited enrollment?
How do moving companies work?
Are they reliable?
How can I arrange to have time to clean before my stuff arrives?
Is there any way to see all the people I want to see before we move?
Do I really have to change my address for one month? (The answer is yes, I just don't like it)
What if we get the job but can't find a rental that will take pets (likely, I have looked) or our house doesn't close escrow?

Those are the practical ones. These next ones are much harder.

Are my kids okay? They have done great since we visited our old house 2 weeks ago--it did not feel like home to any of us. But will they handle another (huge) change?
Am I okay? Am I going to move 10 hours away and then panic?
Will the youth group kids like us? They have had 3 men candidate already, and have bonded with each of them only to have them not become their pastor. Are they going to be stand-offish as a result?
How are we going to say all these goodbyes? We are excited, but it leaves so many people hurting. I hate hurting people, but I need to be excited.

What's keeping me sane, besides being insanely busy (that actually helps me) and my wonderful hubby and kids, is knowing that God is one in control of all this. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. I can research and plan and be responsible, but He has this all figured out, and I just need to be faithful and steadfast. I don't need to be superwoman.

1 comment:

Jeremy, Meg, Connor & Katie said...

Love you Carlee! we'll be praying. Glad to know how. THanks for blogging =)